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  • "Whaaa?" 

    The Doctor sat straight up, ith a look of shock on his face.

    "Professor? What is it?"

    "Oh, Ace! I just had a terrrrible drrrream!"

    "What happened?" 

    Ace sat down, and listened as the Doctor spoke, having now regained his composure.

    "I regenerrrated. How many times I'm not sure. I was a Byrrronian adventurrrer, then a vampirrre, but not rrrealy. A chav with a leather coat. A foppish young man. An older man. A woman, a..."

    "WHAT?"

    Ace laughed til her sides hurt.

    "A woman, Professor? That's impossible! And YOU, no less!"

    "Yes, yes, Ace. That's why it's called a drrrream. And the Master was a woman as well!"

    Ace had difficulty not falling to the floor in hysterics.

    "The Master! Wicked!"

    "And nothing made sense in this dream. I destroyed Gallifrey. Then it reappeared. I destroyed it again, but it kept coming back. Cybermen could fly. There were Black Kaleds. Sontarans had some irritating war cry. Tony Blair, Gordon Brown and Theresa-"

    "Gordon Who?"

    "Oh right! You've never been to THAT part of your future"

    "Never mind. What happened to me?"

    "Oh, many things".

    "I don't understand Professor".

    "One moment you blew yourself up. Then yoiu became a motorrrbike-rrrding hood. Then you were on Earth running a Charttiy. And then.."

    "That's stupid, Professor".

    "Not just yourrr futurre. Everrything was very confused".

    "You must still be suffering the effects of the Cheetah Virus"

    "Yes, Ace, but I feel a lot better now. Knowing what is real, and what was just a nightmare".

    "Hang on, you said you had two Ninth incarnatiosn?"

    "Well, three, no FOUR, no.."

    "Wow! It really WAS a cocked-up nightmare, wasn't it, Professor?"

    "Never mind, Ace. I'm up now. Where would you like the TARDIS to go?"

    Ace walked to the console room excitedly. The Doctor walked a few steps behind, clearing his head from the fog that still hadn't fully lifted. It had all seemed so real. Slitheens and Juddons and Hex and the Time War and Archaeologists and, did he look like Caligula?! He shook his head, and walked into the familair console room that he'd reconfigured in his Fifth incarnation,

    Placing the starw hat on his head, he stepped up to the console. It HAD all just been a hideous nightmare, but that wa over now. Ace was right. THIS was real, THIS was who he was, the Doctor. 

    There was a wheezing, groaning sound, and the TARDIS took off...

      Loading editor
    • And somewhere else the tea is getting cold .

        Loading editor
    • 197.88.26.252 wrote:

      "I regenerrrated. How many times I'm not sure. I was a Byrrronian adventurrrer, then a vampirrre, but not rrrealy. A chav with a leather coat. A foppish young man. An older man. A woman, a..."

      You missed the bit where that "chav with a leather coat" subtly mentioned "Marbella 1989" followed by a seven year holiday then another nine year holiday shortly after the seven year holiday .

        Loading editor
    • I wrote a short story too! Once upon a time you were a loser the end.

        Loading editor
    • Also I improved your story

      "Whaaa?"

      The Doctor sat straight up, ith a look of shock on his face. In fact, he was so shocked, he temporarily forgot the existence of the letter "W".

      "Professor? What is it?"

      "Oh, Ace! I just had a terrrrible drrrream!"

      "What happened?"

      Ace sat down, and listened as the Doctor spoke, having now regained his composure.

      "I regenerrrated. How many times I'm not sure. I was a Byrrronian adventurrrrrrrrrerrrrrrrrrrr, who was the totally not best Doctorrrrrr of all time (#subcrrrrribersgetmorrrreatbigfinishprrrrroductions) then Rrrrrrrichard E. Grrrrrant, who is total canon u guise. In a non-canon world, I was also a chav with a leather coat. A foppish and highly irrrrrrrritating young man. An older man. A woman, a..."

      "A woman, Professor? You? Wicked!"

      The Doctor stared at Ace in confusion.

      "Aren't you going to dismiss the idea as rrrrrrridiculous?" he frowned.

      Ace had difficulty not falling to the floor in hysterics.

      "Of course not, Professor! You should know me by now. I'm more open minded than that!"

      "And nothing made sense in this dream. I destroyed Gallifrey. Then it reappeared. I destroyed it again, but it kept coming back. Cybermen could fly. There were Black Kaleds. Sontarans had some irritating war cry. Tony Blair, Gordon Brown and Theresa-"

      Ace cut in: "Why shouldn't there be any black Kaleds?" she protested.

      "It's quite simple," retorted the Doctor casually "The Kaleds, like the Thals, are the perfect beings, and, as we all know, black people are inferrrrriorrrr"

      Ace was aghast. She had experienced this type of disgusting prejudice before. Her friend Manisha Purkayastha had had her house firebombed by a group of mindless, fascist, racist, Neo-Nazi thugs, and she would never stand for something as bigoted and mindless hateful as this. And she knew that the Professor never would either. Something was very wrong indeed.

      "Wow!" she cried "That sure does sound weird. Almost as weird as the time we and Hex a met a being from another dimension who was powered by words and-"

      "NON-CANON!" came a shriek from the Doctor's mouth. But it was not his voice. It was a harsh robotic cry that would even send the Daleks running off to change their casings. It was the cry of...

      "UNIT 197!" cried Ace in shock.

      Ace and the Doctor had encountered Unit 197 before. He was a very nasty being. A shape-shifting robot (no, not Kamelion) built by the Canonfreeks from the planet Cayptoun, 197 was hell-bent on trying to change the future into something that he wanted. The Doctor and Ace had recently stopped this mechanical menace from using a temporal retcon matrix to wipe out John Hurt from existence. Another time, he had tried to join forces with Faction Paradox to oppose the Time Lord's philosophy of rationality and stability, although the Doctor and Ace hadn't actually had to do anything this time, since Faction Paradox had told Unit 197 in no uncertain terms to Faction off.

      "AFFIRMATIVE!" said the horrible robotic abomination, shifting back into its usual form, a hulking obese DJ who is super obnoxious and every sane person wishes would just shut up already.

      "I knew it!" yelled Ace "I knew you were an imposter, you toerag, as soon as you said that Thals couldn't be black. I have experienced this kind of awful prejudice before. My friend Manisha Purkayastha once had her house firebombed by a group of racist Neo-Nazi thugs, and - Oh just read what the author said earlier. Anyway, my point is that I knew that referencing that adventure with Nobody No-One would make you give yourself away. You were always very concered with retconning that adventure.".

      "YOU MAY HAVE WORKED OUT WHO I AM," ranted Unit 197 "BUT YOU STILL CAN'T STOP ME FROM USING THIS TARDIS TO MAKE ONE, UNIFIED CANON, ERASING ALL CONTRADICTION FROM THE UNIVERSE!"

      "But you made most of the contradictions!" said Ace incredulously. "You couldn't decide which Ninth Incarnation you wanted to give the Professor while playing around with his timeline, so he ended up with two. Well, three, no FOUR, no... uh... hang on... Never mind that, he ended up with quite a few, but the point is that you can't just turn the Professor's future into a dream because you don't like. You may disagree with it, but it's his life, not yours, and you can't do anything about it."

      "SOON IT WILL BE MINE!" laughed Unit 197.

      "Oh no you-" began Ace, but was cut off as a beam shot out of one of 197's hand-clamps, firing Ace to the side. She span through the air, before slamming against the wall of the TARDIS. No, she went through it... ending up in the real TARDIS control room. Ace looked around at the cavernous, wooden, steampunk control room. She saw the beautiful console towering above her in its metal cage. How could she have forgotten this? And where was the real Professor? Then she saw him, pressed up against a wall, his face a mask of agony.

      "Professor!" she cried, running to him,

      "Ace..." smiled the Doctor weakly "I...knew you'd...come for me. Knew you'd never...be...fooled..by...that thing. I...would never...mock the prospect of being female. Also, I don't rrrol my "R"s THAT much. I mean, the robot even managed to roll the silent R in "adventurer", which is actually almost impres-"

      Suddenly, the Doctor let out a cry of pain and fell to his knees.

      "Professor" asked a worried Ace, "What's wrong?"

      "He's manipulating my timeline" croaked the Doctor through gritted teeth "I'm being...errased...from the canonical universe...there's only...one...hope.."

      "What is it, Professor?" asked Ace

      "You...were...only...erased...rrr..rrr..rrr...rrrecently...you...can still...prrroject yourself into his psyche....using...the telepathic circuits...then...you must...". But before he could finish, the Doctor faded away into nonexistence, and Ace knew that 197 had taken his place. She also knew that soon, this control room would be erased from existence, and her own mind would be altered to see 197 as the real Doctor. She had to put a stop to this, but how? The Professor had told her to project herself into his psyche and then... what? He hadn't finished his sentence. Ace racked her brains for the answer...

      Meanwhile, "the Doctor" was dancing around the control room for joy, laughing as he erased adventure after adventure from existence. Soon the whole world would correspond to the one outlined in the canon matrix (stored on a chip in his head...or was it his shoulder?), and there would be no sex change regenerations, no New Adventures, no Big Finish, no New Series, no contradictions, just one objective canon. Nobody would ever debate anything, all creativity would be stifled, the Expanded Universe would be boring and full of obscure comic books from the 1960s and spin-off novels from who cares because nobody reads them. It would be... perfect. It was then that he heard the voice.

      Well, perhaps "voice" was the wrong word for it. "Thought", he reflected, would be a better word. A thought that was distinctly not his own.

      Of course it's not your own, thought the voice in his head. It's mine. I'm Ace. And I'm here to put a stop to you!

      HOW, he thought (even his thoughts were in all-caps).

      The Deadly Assassin contradicts the War Games, thought the head-voice, but doesn't 'ruin' it.

      Unit 197 began to spark.

      STOP THIS, he thought.

      Big Finish, the thought went on, New Adventures, Paul McGann, John Hurt, Christopher Eccleston, David Tennant, Matt Smith, Bernice Summerfield, Charley Pollard.

      "NON-CANON! NON-CANON! NON-CANON!" shrieked 197 out loud. How could Ace even know about such things? He had already erased them, hadn't he?

      You can never truly erase the adventures, he thought with thinking, as long as they still exist in our hearts, the universe will find a way to make them happen, and make us happy.

      Unit 197 was not happy. How could Ace reference these adventures with such impunity? Oh well, once he had fully erased them and altered Ace's mind, these adventures would have never happened, despite the hippie crap about them 'existing in our hearts' Ace was giving. He switched on his temporal retcon matrix.

      "The Ancestor Cell" he said "Missy, Russell T. Davies, Steven Moffat"

      The temporal retcon matrix bleeped and blooped in response.

      "NO!" he cried in anguish "I DID NOT SAY THAT!"

      "No," he heard himself reply in a much softer voice "I did! Me! Dorothy McShane! Better known as Ace! Lover of Paul McGann! Seriously, the guy's a great Professor, and well hot. I'm bisexual, btw, and so is the Doctor."

      "PLEASE!" cried 197 in despair. "STOP THIS!"

      Then he heard himself say something horrifying. Something so horrifying that it made a funny thing happen to him. Nothing. The same thing that happens to you when you die. It was the end of his existence. The word that caused this, the last word Unit 197 ever heard, and in a way, the last word he ever said (or, in another way, he never canonically said any words) was, "Phillip Morris".


      Ace and the Doctor were in the TARDIS. The Doctor was charting a course for fun and adventure (or, depending on when this story is set, a path for angst and darkness. It doesn't really matter because this is just fanfiction and not to be taken too seriously).

      "Professor?" said Ace "Do you ever realise how bizarre and confused our adventures are?"

      "I do indeed, Ace." said the Doctor "Why bring it up now?"

      "I don't know" replied Ace truthfully "Just something nagging at my mind"

      "That's funny", said the Doctor "it's been rather nagging at mine as well. But what would be the fun if everything made sense? If there were one unified canon, there'd be no fanfiction. We're all stories, in the end."

      "But didn't it ever used to bother you?" asked Ace "Your age going randomly up and down, the setting of the UNIT stories constantly changing, the Master being or perhaps not being the Monk and/or the War Chief?"

      The Doctor smiled. He had indeed used to believe this, but soon grew out of it. He remembered his grumpy first incarnation saying "You can't rewrite history! Not one line!" But he had since discovered that time could be rewritten and thus many conflicting events could be true at once.

      "Yes, Ace, but I feel a lot better now. Knowing what is real, and what was just a nightmare. All our adventures are real. 'Canon' and 'retcons' are just nightmares. People keep trying to erase my future incarnations but they never, ever will. Especially not my eighth incarnation, who is the best Doctor of all time. Well, apart from me of course, but, I don't count myself because I would obviously say I'm best because I am of course biased.".

      "OK, Professor, this is getting a bit too meta for me." said Ace "my head's starting to hurt."

      "Never mind, Ace. I'm up now. Where would you like the TARDIS to go?"

      Ace walked to the console room excitedly. The Doctor walked a few steps behind, clearing his head from the fog that still hadn't fully lifted. Flashes went through his of strange adventures. He saw Ace dying in his arms, himself dying in from of her, looms, it all seemed so real. And, in a way, it was all real. Slitheen and Judoon and Hex and the Time War and Archaeologists and, did he look like Caligula?! All of it equally real. He shook his head, and walked into the gargantuan HG Wells-style control room.

      Placing the starw ("starw" was a Gallifrey material vaguely similar to Earth straw) hat on his head, he stepped up to the console. At the back of his mind, he seemed to remember somebody trying to take over his life and mess with his timeline, but that was over now. Ace was right. THIS was real, THIS was who he (or, perhaps one day, in just one of many possible realities, she) was, the Doctor.

      There was a wheezing, groaning sound, and the TARDIS was off of to new adventures...

        Loading editor
    • I spent WAY too long writing that so just the post immediately before it for a TD;DR.

        Loading editor
    • NightmareofEden wrote: Also I improved your story

      "Whaaa?"

      The Doctor sat straight up, ith a look of shock on his face. In fact, he was so shocked, he temporarily forgot the existence of the letter "W".

      "Professor? What is it?"

      "Oh, Ace! I just had a terrrrible drrrream!"

      "What happened?"

      Ace sat down, and listened as the Doctor spoke, having now regained his composure.

      "I regenerrrated. How many times I'm not sure. I was a Byrrronian adventurrrrrrrrrerrrrrrrrrrr, who was the totally not best Doctorrrrrr of all time (#subcrrrrribersgetmorrrreatbigfinishprrrrroductions) then Rrrrrrrichard E. Grrrrrant, who is total canon u guise. In a non-canon world, I was also a chav with a leather coat. A foppish and highly irrrrrrrritating young man. An older man. A woman, a..."

      "A woman, Professor? You? Wicked!"

      The Doctor stared at Ace in confusion.

      "Aren't you going to dismiss the idea as rrrrrrridiculous?" he frowned.

      Ace had difficulty not falling to the floor in hysterics.

      "Of course not, Professor! You should know me by now. I'm more open minded than that!"

      "And nothing made sense in this dream. I destroyed Gallifrey. Then it reappeared. I destroyed it again, but it kept coming back. Cybermen could fly. There were Black Kaleds. Sontarans had some irritating war cry. Tony Blair, Gordon Brown and Theresa-"

      Ace cut in: "Why shouldn't there be any black Kaleds?" she protested.

      "It's quite simple," retorted the Doctor casually "The Kaleds, like the Thals, are the perfect beings, and, as we all know, black people are inferrrrriorrrr"

      Ace was aghast. She had experienced this type of disgusting prejudice before. Her friend Manisha Purkayastha had had her house firebombed by a group of mindless, fascist, racist, Neo-Nazi thugs, and she would never stand for something as bigoted and mindless hateful as this. And she knew that the Professor never would either. Something was very wrong indeed.

      "Wow!" she cried "That sure does sound weird. Almost as weird as the time we and Hex a met a being from another dimension who was powered by words and-"

      "NON-CANON!" came a shriek from the Doctor's mouth. But it was not his voice. It was a harsh robotic cry that would even send the Daleks running off to change their casings. It was the cry of...

      "UNIT 197!" cried Ace in shock.

      Ace and the Doctor had encountered Unit 197 before. He was a very nasty being. A shape-shifting robot (no, not Kamelion) built by the Canonfreeks from the planet Cayptoun, 197 was hell-bent on trying to change the future into something that he wanted. The Doctor and Ace had recently stopped this mechanical menace from using a temporal retcon matrix to wipe out John Hurt from existence. Another time, he had tried to join forces with Faction Paradox to oppose the Time Lord's philosophy of rationality and stability, although the Doctor and Ace hadn't actually had to do anything this time, since Faction Paradox had told Unit 197 in no uncertain terms to Faction off.

      "AFFIRMATIVE!" said the horrible robotic abomination, shifting back into its usual form, a hulking obese DJ who is super obnoxious and every sane person wishes would just shut up already.

      "I knew it!" yelled Ace "I knew you were an imposter, you toerag, as soon as you said that Thals couldn't be black. I have experienced this kind of awful prejudice before. My friend Manisha Purkayastha once had her house firebombed by a group of racist Neo-Nazi thugs, and - Oh just read what the author said earlier. Anyway, my point is that I knew that referencing that adventure with Nobody No-One would make you give yourself away. You were always very concered with retconning that adventure.".

      "YOU MAY HAVE WORKED OUT WHO I AM," ranted Unit 197 "BUT YOU STILL CAN'T STOP ME FROM USING THIS TARDIS TO MAKE ONE, UNIFIED CANON, ERASING ALL CONTRADICTION FROM THE UNIVERSE!"

      "But you made most of the contradictions!" said Ace incredulously. "You couldn't decide which Ninth Incarnation you wanted to give the Professor while playing around with his timeline, so he ended up with two. Well, three, no FOUR, no... uh... hang on... Never mind that, he ended up with quite a few, but the point is that you can't just turn the Professor's future into a dream because you don't like. You may disagree with it, but it's his life, not yours, and you can't do anything about it."

      "SOON IT WILL BE MINE!" laughed Unit 197.

      "Oh no you-" began Ace, but was cut off as a beam shot out of one of 197's hand-clamps, firing Ace to the side. She span through the air, before slamming against the wall of the TARDIS. No, she went through it... ending up in the real TARDIS control room. Ace looked around at the cavernous, wooden, steampunk control room. She saw the beautiful console towering above her in its metal cage. How could she have forgotten this? And where was the real Professor? Then she saw him, pressed up against a wall, his face a mask of agony.

      "Professor!" she cried, running to him,

      "Ace..." smiled the Doctor weakly "I...knew you'd...come for me. Knew you'd never...be...fooled..by...that thing. I...would never...mock the prospect of being female. Also, I don't rrrol my "R"s THAT much. I mean, the robot even managed to roll the silent R in "adventurer", which is actually almost impres-"

      Suddenly, the Doctor let out a cry of pain and fell to his knees.

      "Professor" asked a worried Ace, "What's wrong?"

      "He's manipulating my timeline" croaked the Doctor through gritted teeth "I'm being...errased...from the canonical universe...there's only...one...hope.."

      "What is it, Professor?" asked Ace

      "You...were...only...erased...rrr..rrr..rrr...rrrecently...you...can still...prrroject yourself into his psyche....using...the telepathic circuits...then...you must...". But before he could finish, the Doctor faded away into nonexistence, and Ace knew that 197 had taken his place. She also knew that soon, this control room would be erased from existence, and her own mind would be altered to see 197 as the real Doctor. She had to put a stop to this, but how? The Professor had told her to project herself into his psyche and then... what? He hadn't finished his sentence. Ace racked her brains for the answer...

      Meanwhile, "the Doctor" was dancing around the control room for joy, laughing as he erased adventure after adventure from existence. Soon the whole world would correspond to the one outlined in the canon matrix (stored on a chip in his head...or was it his shoulder?), and there would be no sex change regenerations, no New Adventures, no Big Finish, no New Series, no contradictions, just one objective canon. Nobody would ever debate anything, all creativity would be stifled, the Expanded Universe would be boring and full of obscure comic books from the 1960s and spin-off novels from who cares because nobody reads them. It would be... perfect. It was then that he heard the voice.

      Well, perhaps "voice" was the wrong word for it. "Thought", he reflected, would be a better word. A thought that was distinctly not his own.

      Of course it's not your own, thought the voice in his head. It's mine. I'm Ace. And I'm here to put a stop to you!

      HOW, he thought (even his thoughts were in all-caps).

      The Deadly Assassin contradicts the War Games, thought the head-voice, but doesn't 'ruin' it.

      Unit 197 began to spark.

      STOP THIS, he thought.

      Big Finish, the thought went on, New Adventures, Paul McGann, John Hurt, Christopher Eccleston, David Tennant, Matt Smith, Bernice Summerfield, Charley Pollard.

      "NON-CANON! NON-CANON! NON-CANON!" shrieked 197 out loud. How could Ace even know about such things? He had already erased them, hadn't he?

      You can never truly erase the adventures, he thought with thinking, as long as they still exist in our hearts, the universe will find a way to make them happen, and make us happy.

      Unit 197 was not happy. How could Ace reference these adventures with such impunity? Oh well, once he had fully erased them and altered Ace's mind, these adventures would have never happened, despite the hippie crap about them 'existing in our hearts' Ace was giving. He switched on his temporal retcon matrix.

      "The Ancestor Cell" he said "Missy, Russell T. Davies, Steven Moffat"

      The temporal retcon matrix bleeped and blooped in response.

      "NO!" he cried in anguish "I DID NOT SAY THAT!"

      "No," he heard himself reply in a much softer voice "I did! Me! Dorothy McShane! Better known as Ace! Lover of Paul McGann! Seriously, the guy's a great Professor, and well hot. I'm bisexual, btw, and so is the Doctor."

      "PLEASE!" cried 197 in despair. "STOP THIS!"

      Then he heard himself say something horrifying. Something so horrifying that it made a funny thing happen to him. Nothing. The same thing that happens to you when you die. It was the end of his existence. The word that caused this, the last word Unit 197 ever heard, and in a way, the last word he ever said (or, in another way, he never canonically said any words) was, "Phillip Morris".


      Ace and the Doctor were in the TARDIS. The Doctor was charting a course for fun and adventure (or, depending on when this story is set, a path for angst and darkness. It doesn't really matter because this is just fanfiction and not to be taken too seriously).

      "Professor?" said Ace "Do you ever realise how bizarre and confused our adventures are?"

      "I do indeed, Ace." said the Doctor "Why bring it up now?"

      "I don't know" replied Ace truthfully "Just something nagging at my mind"

      "That's funny", said the Doctor "it's been rather nagging at mine as well. But what would be the fun if everything made sense? If there were one unified canon, there'd be no fanfiction. We're all stories, in the end."

      "But didn't it ever used to bother you?" asked Ace "Your age going randomly up and down, the setting of the UNIT stories constantly changing, the Master being or perhaps not being the Monk and/or the War Chief?"

      The Doctor smiled. He had indeed used to believe this, but soon grew out of it. He remembered his grumpy first incarnation saying "You can't rewrite history! Not one line!" But he had since discovered that time could be rewritten and thus many conflicting events could be true at once.

      "Yes, Ace, but I feel a lot better now. Knowing what is real, and what was just a nightmare. All our adventures are real. 'Canon' and 'retcons' are just nightmares. People keep trying to erase my future incarnations but they never, ever will. Especially not my eighth incarnation, who is the best Doctor of all time. Well, apart from me of course, but, I don't count myself because I would obviously say I'm best because I am of course biased.".

      "OK, Professor, this is getting a bit too meta for me." said Ace "my head's starting to hurt."

      "Never mind, Ace. I'm up now. Where would you like the TARDIS to go?"

      Ace walked to the console room excitedly. The Doctor walked a few steps behind, clearing his head from the fog that still hadn't fully lifted. Flashes went through his of strange adventures. He saw Ace dying in his arms, himself dying in from of her, looms, it all seemed so real. And, in a way, it was all real. Slitheen and Judoon and Hex and the Time War and Archaeologists and, did he look like Caligula?! All of it equally real. He shook his head, and walked into the gargantuan HG Wells-style control room.

      Placing the starw ("starw" was a Gallifrey material vaguely similar to Earth straw) hat on his head, he stepped up to the console. At the back of his mind, he seemed to remember somebody trying to take over his life and mess with his timeline, but that was over now. Ace was right. THIS was real, THIS was who he (or, perhaps one day, in just one of many possible realities, she) was, the Doctor.

      There was a wheezing, groaning sound, and the TARDIS was off of to new adventures...

      I honestly thought short stories couldn't get this good but hello again I've been pleasantly surprised .

      If I could I would give this short story 20018003 Kudos and 20018003 Gold Stars .
      
        Loading editor
    • 2001:8003:2E59:1300:A411:26D3:174:B53A wrote:

      NightmareofEden wrote: Also I improved your story

      "Whaaa?"

      The Doctor sat straight up, ith a look of shock on his face. In fact, he was so shocked, he temporarily forgot the existence of the letter "W".

      "Professor? What is it?"

      "Oh, Ace! I just had a terrrrible drrrream!"

      "What happened?"

      Ace sat down, and listened as the Doctor spoke, having now regained his composure.

      "I regenerrrated. How many times I'm not sure. I was a Byrrronian adventurrrrrrrrrerrrrrrrrrrr, who was the totally not best Doctorrrrrr of all time (#subcrrrrribersgetmorrrreatbigfinishprrrrroductions) then Rrrrrrrichard E. Grrrrrant, who is total canon u guise. In a non-canon world, I was also a chav with a leather coat. A foppish and highly irrrrrrrritating young man. An older man. A woman, a..."

      "A woman, Professor? You? Wicked!"

      The Doctor stared at Ace in confusion.

      "Aren't you going to dismiss the idea as rrrrrrridiculous?" he frowned.

      Ace had difficulty not falling to the floor in hysterics.

      "Of course not, Professor! You should know me by now. I'm more open minded than that!"

      "And nothing made sense in this dream. I destroyed Gallifrey. Then it reappeared. I destroyed it again, but it kept coming back. Cybermen could fly. There were Black Kaleds. Sontarans had some irritating war cry. Tony Blair, Gordon Brown and Theresa-"

      Ace cut in: "Why shouldn't there be any black Kaleds?" she protested.

      "It's quite simple," retorted the Doctor casually "The Kaleds, like the Thals, are the perfect beings, and, as we all know, black people are inferrrrriorrrr"

      Ace was aghast. She had experienced this type of disgusting prejudice before. Her friend Manisha Purkayastha had had her house firebombed by a group of mindless, fascist, racist, Neo-Nazi thugs, and she would never stand for something as bigoted and mindless hateful as this. And she knew that the Professor never would either. Something was very wrong indeed.

      "Wow!" she cried "That sure does sound weird. Almost as weird as the time we and Hex a met a being from another dimension who was powered by words and-"

      "NON-CANON!" came a shriek from the Doctor's mouth. But it was not his voice. It was a harsh robotic cry that would even send the Daleks running off to change their casings. It was the cry of...

      "UNIT 197!" cried Ace in shock.

      Ace and the Doctor had encountered Unit 197 before. He was a very nasty being. A shape-shifting robot (no, not Kamelion) built by the Canonfreeks from the planet Cayptoun, 197 was hell-bent on trying to change the future into something that he wanted. The Doctor and Ace had recently stopped this mechanical menace from using a temporal retcon matrix to wipe out John Hurt from existence. Another time, he had tried to join forces with Faction Paradox to oppose the Time Lord's philosophy of rationality and stability, although the Doctor and Ace hadn't actually had to do anything this time, since Faction Paradox had told Unit 197 in no uncertain terms to Faction off.

      "AFFIRMATIVE!" said the horrible robotic abomination, shifting back into its usual form, a hulking obese DJ who is super obnoxious and every sane person wishes would just shut up already.

      "I knew it!" yelled Ace "I knew you were an imposter, you toerag, as soon as you said that Thals couldn't be black. I have experienced this kind of awful prejudice before. My friend Manisha Purkayastha once had her house firebombed by a group of racist Neo-Nazi thugs, and - Oh just read what the author said earlier. Anyway, my point is that I knew that referencing that adventure with Nobody No-One would make you give yourself away. You were always very concered with retconning that adventure.".

      "YOU MAY HAVE WORKED OUT WHO I AM," ranted Unit 197 "BUT YOU STILL CAN'T STOP ME FROM USING THIS TARDIS TO MAKE ONE, UNIFIED CANON, ERASING ALL CONTRADICTION FROM THE UNIVERSE!"

      "But you made most of the contradictions!" said Ace incredulously. "You couldn't decide which Ninth Incarnation you wanted to give the Professor while playing around with his timeline, so he ended up with two. Well, three, no FOUR, no... uh... hang on... Never mind that, he ended up with quite a few, but the point is that you can't just turn the Professor's future into a dream because you don't like. You may disagree with it, but it's his life, not yours, and you can't do anything about it."

      "SOON IT WILL BE MINE!" laughed Unit 197.

      "Oh no you-" began Ace, but was cut off as a beam shot out of one of 197's hand-clamps, firing Ace to the side. She span through the air, before slamming against the wall of the TARDIS. No, she went through it... ending up in the real TARDIS control room. Ace looked around at the cavernous, wooden, steampunk control room. She saw the beautiful console towering above her in its metal cage. How could she have forgotten this? And where was the real Professor? Then she saw him, pressed up against a wall, his face a mask of agony.

      "Professor!" she cried, running to him,

      "Ace..." smiled the Doctor weakly "I...knew you'd...come for me. Knew you'd never...be...fooled..by...that thing. I...would never...mock the prospect of being female. Also, I don't rrrol my "R"s THAT much. I mean, the robot even managed to roll the silent R in "adventurer", which is actually almost impres-"

      Suddenly, the Doctor let out a cry of pain and fell to his knees.

      "Professor" asked a worried Ace, "What's wrong?"

      "He's manipulating my timeline" croaked the Doctor through gritted teeth "I'm being...errased...from the canonical universe...there's only...one...hope.."

      "What is it, Professor?" asked Ace

      "You...were...only...erased...rrr..rrr..rrr...rrrecently...you...can still...prrroject yourself into his psyche....using...the telepathic circuits...then...you must...". But before he could finish, the Doctor faded away into nonexistence, and Ace knew that 197 had taken his place. She also knew that soon, this control room would be erased from existence, and her own mind would be altered to see 197 as the real Doctor. She had to put a stop to this, but how? The Professor had told her to project herself into his psyche and then... what? He hadn't finished his sentence. Ace racked her brains for the answer...

      Meanwhile, "the Doctor" was dancing around the control room for joy, laughing as he erased adventure after adventure from existence. Soon the whole world would correspond to the one outlined in the canon matrix (stored on a chip in his head...or was it his shoulder?), and there would be no sex change regenerations, no New Adventures, no Big Finish, no New Series, no contradictions, just one objective canon. Nobody would ever debate anything, all creativity would be stifled, the Expanded Universe would be boring and full of obscure comic books from the 1960s and spin-off novels from who cares because nobody reads them. It would be... perfect. It was then that he heard the voice.

      Well, perhaps "voice" was the wrong word for it. "Thought", he reflected, would be a better word. A thought that was distinctly not his own.

      Of course it's not your own, thought the voice in his head. It's mine. I'm Ace. And I'm here to put a stop to you!

      HOW, he thought (even his thoughts were in all-caps).

      The Deadly Assassin contradicts the War Games, thought the head-voice, but doesn't 'ruin' it.

      Unit 197 began to spark.

      STOP THIS, he thought.

      Big Finish, the thought went on, New Adventures, Paul McGann, John Hurt, Christopher Eccleston, David Tennant, Matt Smith, Bernice Summerfield, Charley Pollard.

      "NON-CANON! NON-CANON! NON-CANON!" shrieked 197 out loud. How could Ace even know about such things? He had already erased them, hadn't he?

      You can never truly erase the adventures, he thought with thinking, as long as they still exist in our hearts, the universe will find a way to make them happen, and make us happy.

      Unit 197 was not happy. How could Ace reference these adventures with such impunity? Oh well, once he had fully erased them and altered Ace's mind, these adventures would have never happened, despite the hippie crap about them 'existing in our hearts' Ace was giving. He switched on his temporal retcon matrix.

      "The Ancestor Cell" he said "Missy, Russell T. Davies, Steven Moffat"

      The temporal retcon matrix bleeped and blooped in response.

      "NO!" he cried in anguish "I DID NOT SAY THAT!"

      "No," he heard himself reply in a much softer voice "I did! Me! Dorothy McShane! Better known as Ace! Lover of Paul McGann! Seriously, the guy's a great Professor, and well hot. I'm bisexual, btw, and so is the Doctor."

      "PLEASE!" cried 197 in despair. "STOP THIS!"

      Then he heard himself say something horrifying. Something so horrifying that it made a funny thing happen to him. Nothing. The same thing that happens to you when you die. It was the end of his existence. The word that caused this, the last word Unit 197 ever heard, and in a way, the last word he ever said (or, in another way, he never canonically said any words) was, "Phillip Morris".


      Ace and the Doctor were in the TARDIS. The Doctor was charting a course for fun and adventure (or, depending on when this story is set, a path for angst and darkness. It doesn't really matter because this is just fanfiction and not to be taken too seriously).

      "Professor?" said Ace "Do you ever realise how bizarre and confused our adventures are?"

      "I do indeed, Ace." said the Doctor "Why bring it up now?"

      "I don't know" replied Ace truthfully "Just something nagging at my mind"

      "That's funny", said the Doctor "it's been rather nagging at mine as well. But what would be the fun if everything made sense? If there were one unified canon, there'd be no fanfiction. We're all stories, in the end."

      "But didn't it ever used to bother you?" asked Ace "Your age going randomly up and down, the setting of the UNIT stories constantly changing, the Master being or perhaps not being the Monk and/or the War Chief?"

      The Doctor smiled. He had indeed used to believe this, but soon grew out of it. He remembered his grumpy first incarnation saying "You can't rewrite history! Not one line!" But he had since discovered that time could be rewritten and thus many conflicting events could be true at once.

      "Yes, Ace, but I feel a lot better now. Knowing what is real, and what was just a nightmare. All our adventures are real. 'Canon' and 'retcons' are just nightmares. People keep trying to erase my future incarnations but they never, ever will. Especially not my eighth incarnation, who is the best Doctor of all time. Well, apart from me of course, but, I don't count myself because I would obviously say I'm best because I am of course biased.".

      "OK, Professor, this is getting a bit too meta for me." said Ace "my head's starting to hurt."

      "Never mind, Ace. I'm up now. Where would you like the TARDIS to go?"

      Ace walked to the console room excitedly. The Doctor walked a few steps behind, clearing his head from the fog that still hadn't fully lifted. Flashes went through his of strange adventures. He saw Ace dying in his arms, himself dying in from of her, looms, it all seemed so real. And, in a way, it was all real. Slitheen and Judoon and Hex and the Time War and Archaeologists and, did he look like Caligula?! All of it equally real. He shook his head, and walked into the gargantuan HG Wells-style control room.

      Placing the starw ("starw" was a Gallifrey material vaguely similar to Earth straw) hat on his head, he stepped up to the console. At the back of his mind, he seemed to remember somebody trying to take over his life and mess with his timeline, but that was over now. Ace was right. THIS was real, THIS was who he (or, perhaps one day, in just one of many possible realities, she) was, the Doctor.

      There was a wheezing, groaning sound, and the TARDIS was off of to new adventures...

      I honestly thought short stories couldn't get this good but hello again I've been pleasantly surprised .

      If I could I would give this short story 20018003 Kudos and 20018003 Gold Stars .
      

      Thanks! Appreciate it!

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    • If you want to see something like my story except actually good, check out this hilarious parody fanfilm. In fact, just check out this guy's channel in general, he makes great videos. This is another highlight, and was my introduction to the channel. On second thoughts, watch the second link first and then watch the first vid I linked only after you've watched all the other videos in the "AMAZING" series, since that one is the conclusion to a story arc. Or just start with that one, since a) it's more relevant to the topic at hand and b) it may not make sense, but the main joke is exactly that nothing makes sense so it doesn't really matter too much.

      EDIT: In fact, you know what? Here I have provided a list of the episodes in chronological order, with links. It gets better as it goes on (not that it starts off poorly, it just gets even better). Watch them. Watch them all. Now. Note that I have used the titles of the YouTube videos, rather than of the actual episodes, as I have forgotten most of them and am too lazy to check each and every one. Even compiling this list as is was a practically Herculean effort.

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    • OK apparently editing a post doesn't bump it so posting here instead; Here I have provided a list of the episodes in chronological order, with links. It gets better as it goes on (not that it starts off poorly, it just gets even better). Watch them. Watch them all. Now. Note that I have used the titles of the YouTube videos, rather than of the actual episodes, as I have forgotten most of them and am too lazy to check each and every one. Even compiling this list as is was a practically Herculean effort.

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    • He also makes another series of Doctor Who Fanfilm, called Aimless Wanderings. Here is a list of those films in order. Doctor Who and the Squid Teaser Trailer (minisode) Squid and the Daleks Dr Who Series 8 Finale LEAKED (minisode) The Dalek Invasion of Squid Loving the 8th Doctor Is Adric Cool? (minisode) The Two Squids oh no (minisode) Christmas of the Squid Chapter One Christmas of the Squid Chapter Two Christmas of the Squid Chapter Three Christmas of the Squid Chapter Four Christmas of the Squid Chapter Five

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    • OK I wasn't sure what you were on about at first, but now I've read your other piece of fanwank in the Watercooler thread 'The Big Dream' I'll just copy/paste the message I left there to here;

      197, your whole 'fan theory' (if you can even call it that) falls apart when you consider the simple fact that YOU CAN DREAM ABOUT REAL PEOPLE!

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    • NightmareofEden wrote:
      I wrote a short story too! Once upon a time you were a loser the end.

      Wow! Your maturity has no beginning.

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    • Your stories are worthless.

      By the way, you may have missed the bit where the Kaleds are shown to have National Socialist viewpoints.

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    • How does The Deadly Assassin contradict The War Games?

      (And only a desperate troll makes an issue out of someone making a couple of typos. it shows that you have nothing really worthehile to say, so you have an insane need to look for something, anything, to attack.)

      And an almost silent "r" in 'adventurer'? What?

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    • 197.86.143.4 wrote: Your stories are worthless.

      By the way, you may have missed the bit where the Kaleds are shown to have National Socialist viewpoints.

      Yes, so do some humans. That doesn't mean humans can't be black.

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    • 197.86.143.4 wrote: How does The Deadly Assassin contradict The War Games?

      It doesn't. That's the point, that fans who complain about about 'MUH CANON' are always wrong. I was referencing this review from the '70s - which actually reads like one of your rants, typos and all! (Sorry for the forum link, it was the only place I could find a transcript of it).

      EDIT: I found another transcript of it. Here. This time it was transcribed by the same guy that wrote this essay on the road to a female Doctor, something else you may find... interesting.

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    • 197.86.143.4 wrote:

      NightmareofEden wrote:
      I wrote a short story too! Once upon a time you were a loser the end.

      Wow! Your maturity has no beginning.

      Says the guy who was so triggered by the existence of elements he doesn't like a show he doesn't run that he had to write a crappy retcon fanfic.

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    • NightmareofEden wrote:

      197.86.143.4 wrote: Your stories are worthless.

      By the way, you may have missed the bit where the Kaleds are shown to have National Socialist viewpoints.

      Yes, so do some humans. That doesn't mean humans can't be black.

      It's ridicuous the way you sjw's are so obsessed with your mindless agenda that you completely miss the point.

      Kaleds are racist National Socialists. All Kaleds we ever saw were White.

      Thus, having Black Kaleds may seem to be "inclusive" to people like you. But, Edison, the point is that the Kaleds were NEVER an "inclusive" group. Remember how they disposed of "mutos" who often had minor-to-pretty-much-nonexistent "defects"? Maybe not, as you seem to have only started watching Who with Matt Smith.

      Try and think of it like this. What would you think if a movie of WW2 was made where, say, Goebbells was played by a Black man? Or a movie about lynchings in the US South, where there are Black Klansmen?

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    • NightmareofEden wrote:

      197.86.143.4 wrote: How does The Deadly Assassin contradict The War Games?

      It doesn't. That's the point, that fans who complain about about 'MUH CANON' are always wrong. I was referencing this review from the '70s - which actually reads like one of your rants, typos and all! (Sorry for the forum link, it was the only place I could find a transcript of it).

      EDIT: I found another transcript of it. Here. This time it was transcribed by the same guy that wrote this essay on the road to a female Doctor, something else you may find... interesting.

      You are increasignly desperate, aren't you? First, once again, anyone who considers things like 'The Curse of Fatal Death' or 'Exile', key markers on the "Road to a female Doctor" need serious help. Understand what a JOKE is? What HUMOUR is? I guess not. Both were outrageus "What if?" stories. In fact, the entire UNBOUND Range was designed to be stories which DIVERGED FROM THE MAIN CONTINUITY IN WAYS THAT DOCTOR WHO NEVER WOULD HAVE. In one story, the excellent 'Full Fathom Five', the Doctor is a character who happily fires a gun at people, killing them, and puts his own needs ahead of anything else. Again, interesting looks at story ideas of things that do not belong in Doctor Who. Interestingly, the "Female Doctor"story was done as a comedy, as people then realized that a female Doctor could really only be treated as such. And indeed The Cirse of Fatal Death was a comedy spoof as well, really just an extended comedy sketch.

      But you are obviously unablet to process that.

      Meanwhile, try and work this out..stories as early as The Aztecs showed that non-hetersoexual, non-cisgender characters existed in Doctor Who from the beginning. But the Time Lords were never one of those. in fact, it was the old-fashioned stuffiness, and rigid behaviour that caused the Doctor to leave his people, and explroe the Universe. Oh, no, wait. he actually left because he was scared of the 'Hybrid'! Haha.

      And The Deadly Assassin rant is you very lazily trying to lump things that you feel to be 'equivalent' together. In fact, it's two very different viewpoints, that both just happen to be at odds with YOUR rigid, blinkered way of thinking. Thus, you lazily group "Everyone who doesn't agree with [you]" together.

      Thus showing who the REAL closed-minded prig really is.

      No,w go and look through my post for typos, and point them out. I have typed this pretty much stream-of-conscious, and probably made a few. I know how much your life and sense of self-wroth depends on it. After all, if you couldn't point out that some people may have mistyped 2 or 3 words on the internet, what would you have left to live for?

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    • 197.86.143.4 wrote:

      NightmareofEden wrote:

      197.86.143.4 wrote: Your stories are worthless.

      By the way, you may have missed the bit where the Kaleds are shown to have National Socialist viewpoints.

      Yes, so do some humans. That doesn't mean humans can't be black.

      It's ridicuous the way you sjw's are so obsessed with your mindless agenda that you completely miss the point.

      Kaleds are racist National Socialists. All Kaleds we ever saw were White.

      Thus, having Black Kaleds may seem to be "inclusive" to people like you. But, Edison, the point is that the Kaleds were NEVER an "inclusive" group. Remember how they disposed of "mutos" who often had minor-to-pretty-much-nonexistent "defects"? Maybe not, as you seem to have only started watching Who with Matt Smith.

      Try and think of it like this. What would you think if a movie of WW2 was made where, say, Goebbells was played by a Black man? Or a movie about lynchings in the US South, where there are Black Klansmen?

      Those are real word events. The Kaleds are not real. Was it ever shown that Kaled society was prejudiced against black people specifically?

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    • 197.86.143.4 wrote:

      NightmareofEden wrote:

      197.86.143.4 wrote: How does The Deadly Assassin contradict The War Games?

      It doesn't. That's the point, that fans who complain about about 'MUH CANON' are always wrong. I was referencing this review from the '70s - which actually reads like one of your rants, typos and all! (Sorry for the forum link, it was the only place I could find a transcript of it).

      EDIT: I found another transcript of it. Here. This time it was transcribed by the same guy that wrote this essay on the road to a female Doctor, something else you may find... interesting.

      You are increasignly desperate, aren't you? First, once again, anyone who considers things like 'The Curse of Fatal Death' or 'Exile', key markers on the "Road to a female Doctor" need serious help. Understand what a JOKE is? What HUMOUR is? I guess not. Both were outrageus "What if?" stories. In fact, the entire UNBOUND Range was designed to be stories which DIVERGED FROM THE MAIN CONTINUITY IN WAYS THAT DOCTOR WHO NEVER WOULD HAVE. In one story, the excellent 'Full Fathom Five', the Doctor is a character who happily fires a gun at people, killing them, and puts his own needs ahead of anything else. Again, interesting looks at story ideas of things that do not belong in Doctor Who. Interestingly, the "Female Doctor"story was done as a comedy, as people then realized that a female Doctor could really only be treated as such. And indeed The Cirse of Fatal Death was a comedy spoof as well, really just an extended comedy sketch.

      But you are obviously unablet to process that.

      Meanwhile, try and work this out..stories as early as The Aztecs showed that non-hetersoexual, non-cisgender characters existed in Doctor Who from the beginning. But the Time Lords were never one of those. in fact, it was the old-fashioned stuffiness, and rigid behaviour that caused the Doctor to leave his people, and explroe the Universe. Oh, no, wait. he actually left because he was scared of the 'Hybrid'! Haha.

      And The Deadly Assassin rant is you very lazily trying to lump things that you feel to be 'equivalent' together. In fact, it's two very different viewpoints, that both just happen to be at odds with YOUR rigid, blinkered way of thinking. Thus, you lazily group "Everyone who doesn't agree with [you]" together.

      Thus showing who the REAL closed-minded prig really is.

      No,w go and look through my post for typos, and point them out. I have typed this pretty much stream-of-conscious, and probably made a few. I know how much your life and sense of self-wroth depends on it. After all, if you couldn't point out that some people may have mistyped 2 or 3 words on the internet, what would you have left to live for?

      https://giphy.com/gifs/sesame-street-k-kermit-QWaSVX9FizaxO

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    • MORE DETAILED RESPONSE:

      NightmareofEden wrote: You are increasignly desperate, aren't you?

      Not really.

      First, once again, anyone who considers things like 'The Curse of Fatal Death' or 'Exile', key markers on the "Road to a female Doctor" need serious help. Understand what a JOKE is? What HUMOUR is? I guess not. Both were outrageus "What if?" stories. In fact, the entire UNBOUND Range was designed to be stories which DIVERGED FROM THE MAIN CONTINUITY IN WAYS THAT DOCTOR WHO NEVER WOULD HAVE. In one story, the excellent 'Full Fathom Five', the Doctor is a character who happily fires a gun at people, killing them, and puts his own needs ahead of anything else. Again, interesting looks at story ideas of things that do not belong in Doctor Who. Interestingly, the "Female Doctor"story was done as a comedy, as people then realized that a female Doctor could really only be treated as such. And indeed The Cirse of Fatal Death was a comedy spoof as well, really just an extended comedy sketch.

      But you are obviously unablet to process that.

      You are obviously 'unablet' to type, and get really salty when anybody points that fact out. Also, just because a story was meant as a spoof, doesn't mean that literally EVERYTHING that happens in it was a joke. The story featured male Doctors too. Does that mean they were treating the concept of a NON-female Doctor as a joke? No, no it doesn't. As for Exile, the part of the story that did 'not belong in Doctor Who' was the Doctor as a drunkard failure living on Earth, not the fact she was a woman. In any case, Nicholas Briggs says he regrets the anti-female Doctor implications now. Doctor Who Unbound IS good though, I'll give you that one. My favourites are Deadline and Exile.

      Meanwhile, try and work this out..stories as early as The Aztecs showed that non-hetersoexual, non-cisgender characters existed in Doctor Who from the beginning. But the Time Lords were never one of those. in fact, it was the old-fashioned stuffiness, and rigid behaviour that caused the Doctor to leave his people, and explroe the Universe. Oh, no, wait. he actually left because he was scared of the 'Hybrid'! Haha.

      Honestly, if you don't know Rassilon's bisexual you're missing the entire point of Doctor Who.

      And The Deadly Assassin rant is you very lazily trying to lump things that you feel to be 'equivalent' together. In fact, it's two very different viewpoints, that both just happen to be at odds with YOUR rigid, blinkered way of thinking. Thus, you lazily group "Everyone who doesn't agree with [you]" together.

      You keep telling yourself that. Personally, if you typed that "The Deadly Assassin" rant word-for-word on this forum, I wouldn't notice any difference.

      Thus showing who the REAL closed-minded prig really is.

      What's a 'prig'?

      No,w go and look through my post for typos, and point them out. I have typed this pretty much stream-of-conscious, and probably made a few. I know how much your life and sense of self-wroth depends on it. After all, if you couldn't point out that some people may have mistyped 2 or 3 words on the internet, what would you have left to live for?

      Again, don't make typos and nobody can point them out.

      EDIT: Why in the world did the software make it look like I was responding to my own post?

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    • 197.86.143.4 wrote: It's ridicuous the way you sjw's are so obsessed with your mindless agenda that you completely miss the point.

      This is actually the first time I've been called an SJW online so thanks for that! I was worried that I might not be doing this right for a second there but you confirmed that I am.

      Kaleds are racist National Socialists.

      Correction: They're BASED on National Socialists. Pretty sure the Nazi party didn't exist on Skaro.

      All Kaleds we ever saw were White.

      Not anymore, it would seem.

      Thus, having Black Kaleds may seem to be "inclusive" to people like you.

      In one comment you accuse me of lumping everyone I don't like into one category, saying it makes me a 'closed-minded prig', but in another you use terms 'SJW' and 'people like you'. Honestly, you can't make this up.

      But, Edison, the point is that the Kaleds were NEVER an "inclusive" group.

      Who the absolute hell is Edison?

      Remember how they disposed of "mutos" who often had minor-to-pretty-much-nonexistent "defects"?

      Yup. They sound like your kind of people in that respect

      Maybe not, as you seem to have only started watching Who with Matt Smith.

      gatekeeping.jpg

      Try and think of it like this. What would you think if a movie of WW2 was made where, say, Goebbells was played by a Black man? Or a movie about lynchings in the US South, where there are Black Klansmen?

      Already responded to this bit in an earlier post.

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    • NightmareofEden wrote:

      197.86.143.4 wrote:

      NightmareofEden wrote:

      197.86.143.4 wrote: Your stories are worthless.

      By the way, you may have missed the bit where the Kaleds are shown to have National Socialist viewpoints.

      Yes, so do some humans. That doesn't mean humans can't be black.
      It's ridicuous the way you sjw's are so obsessed with your mindless agenda that you completely miss the point.

      Kaleds are racist National Socialists. All Kaleds we ever saw were White.

      Thus, having Black Kaleds may seem to be "inclusive" to people like you. But, Edison, the point is that the Kaleds were NEVER an "inclusive" group. Remember how they disposed of "mutos" who often had minor-to-pretty-much-nonexistent "defects"? Maybe not, as you seem to have only started watching Who with Matt Smith.

      Try and think of it like this. What would you think if a movie of WW2 was made where, say, Goebbells was played by a Black man? Or a movie about lynchings in the US South, where there are Black Klansmen?

      Those are real word events. The Kaleds are not real. Was it ever shown that Kaled society was prejudiced against black people specifically?

      Was it ever shown that Kaleds were prejudiced against people who didn't look like them, even down to VERY minor details? Yes yes yes..  Work it out from there..

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    • Really, your entire line of "reasoning" seems to be "Oh, but it's not real!"

      Ok, how would you have felt if Jonathan Creek had solved a case by explaining that a wizrad had used his magic wand to make magic?

      How would you have felt if Joey Tribbiani had been revealed to be a 5 000-year old vampire?

      How would you have felt if the Doctor is revealed to be a serial killer?

      Hey, lighten up! it's all just FICTION.

      (And yes of coruse Briggs says something different now. That's what people who follow other's leads tend to do. At the time of 'Exile' the idea of a female Doctor was a joke. Just as it is now. it's just the people in charge don't seem to have any sense of humour. And, like you, they spectacularly miss the point. You are obsessed with retroactively trying to make certain characters bisexual etc. And pushing your ridiculous agenda. You fail to realize that your efforts actually have negative repercussions. But then you yourself appear to be living in a "Fictional universe" that overlaps with the Real World that the rest of us live in..)

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    • Again, if you don't get that Rassilon's bisexual you're literally missing THE ENTIRE POINT OF THE SHOW.

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    • 213.123.3.61 wrote:
      Again, if you don't get that Rassilon's bisexual you're literally missing THE ENTIRE POINT OF THE SHOW.

      ^^ Is this supposed to pass for humour?

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    • No, this is super serious stuff. Obviously, you're not mature enough for this discussion.

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    • No, it boils down to this....

      Some people actually like television shows to be internally consistent. And they also like television shows where no magic or supernatural elements exist.

      This is clearly something that you fail to understand, as you equate ALL Fiction with "Fantasy", and at the same time seem to believe that every Fictional show must exist in its own hermetically sealed "fictional universe".

      When some people get annoyed or irritated with stupid stories that have plot holes larger than the chip you have on your shoulder, you are completely unable to understand WHY those people were annoyed or irritated.

      And so, you therefore feel that you HAVE TO try and make fun of them. After all, according to you, only someone "insane" would actually want Fiction to make sense.

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    • 197.86.143.4 wrote: No, it boils down to this....

      Some people actually like television shows to be internally consistent. And they also like television shows where no magic or supernatural elements exist.

      I don't believe that those exist in Doctor Who.

      This is clearly something that you fail to understand, as you equate ALL Fiction with "Fantasy", and at the same time seem to believe that every Fictional show must exist in its own hermetically sealed "fictional universe".

      When did I equate it with fantasy? How is a female Doctor any more 'fantastical' than all the wildly different looking male ones?

      When some people get annoyed or irritated with stupid stories that have plot holes larger than the chip you have on your shoulder...

      I'M the one with a chip on my shoulder? Scroll up and you'll see who started this whole mess of a thread.

      ...you are completely unable to understand WHY those people were annoyed or irritated.

      Oh, I understand perfectly. I just disagree.

      And so, you therefore feel that you HAVE TO try and make fun of them. After all, according to you, only someone "insane" would actually want Fiction to make sense.

      I mean, yeah. They even said in the ORIGINAL NOTES for the show we are NOT writing science fiction. Sure, they did go on to say that they weren't writing fantasy either, but I interpreted that as meaning something between the two (i.e. Science Fantasy). Actually, you know what? I don't even know why I'm still arguing this. I mean, you don't know Rassilon's bisexual so you're clearly not a true fan. It's a shame, you're one of the few people apart from me who's actually listened to Doctor Who Unbound and I was all ready to discuss it with you, but, alas, it turns out you're a fake geek boy.

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    • Key words here "I interpreted that as meaning.."

      Let's continue the quote..

      "QUALITY OF STORY Evidently, Dr. Who's "machine" fulfils mary of the functions of conventional Science Fiction gimmicks. But we are not writing Science Fiction. We shall provide scientific explanations too, sometimes, but we shall not bend over backwards to do so, if we decide to achieve credibility by other means. Neither are we writing fantasy: the events have got to be credible to the three ordinary people who are our main characters, and they are sharp-witted enough to spot a phoney."

      Of course, the document also refers to the main character as "Dr Who"...

      as for me "having a chip on my shoulder". No, I wrote a fun short story, that was meant to inspire discussion. the howls of outrage over it surprised me. And people making rambling, lengthy posts accusing me of being a "fake geek boy" etc. have reminded me once again, why the show is far less popular now than it used to be.

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    • 197.86.143.4 wrote:
      Your stories are worthless.

      Was that the polite way of saying that you disagreed with the record number of kudos awarded for the other short story ?

      Also never mind the Black Kaleds , this pretty much sums it up for the whole thread .

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    • 197.86.143.4 wrote: Key words here "I interpreted that as meaning.."

      If you interpreted it as something different, I'd like to hear what.

      Let's continue the quote..

      "QUALITY OF STORY Evidently, Dr. Who's "machine" fulfils mary of the functions of conventional Science Fiction gimmicks. But we are not writing Science Fiction. We shall provide scientific explanations too, sometimes, but we shall not bend over backwards to do so, if we decide to achieve credibility by other means. Neither are we writing fantasy: the events have got to be credible to the three ordinary people who are our main characters, and they are sharp-witted enough to spot a phoney."

      Of course, the document also refers to the main character as "Dr Who"...

      You are correct it does. In the '60s, that was a far more common name for the character than today. What's your point?

      as for me "having a chip on my shoulder". No, I wrote a fun short story, that was meant to inspire discussion.

      ....which is exactly what it did!

      the howls of outrage over it surprised me.

      Did they really, though?

      And people making rambling, lengthy posts accusing me of being a "fake geek boy" etc. have reminded me once again, why the show is far less popular now than it used to be.

      First of all, you ARE a fake geek boy if you don't understand why Rassilon is CLEARLY bisexual. Secondly, my post was only 'lengthy' because it was a response to your complete essay of a post. Third, if the show were 'less popular than it used to be' (which it isn't, the announcement of a female Doctor generated a HUGE amount of popularity), I think people like you are more responsible for driving people away than people like me.

      Also you still haven't told me why a female Doctor is any more far fetched than the various wildly varying male Doctors, nor who on Gallifrey 'Edison' is supposed to be.

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    • NightmareofEden wrote:

      ...Who the absolute hell is Edison?...

      I'm going to do the same thing you did earlier by copy and pasting something you said to me from a different thread .

      "I highly doubt he'll ever answer it. This user doesn't tend to give straight answers to anything."

      I'm just as curious as everyone else .

      197 could you answer the question PLEASE .

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    • Edison, as everyone knows, is Thomas Edison.

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    • 197.86.143.4 wrote: Edison, as everyone knows, is Thomas Edison.

      What in the world? Is this supposed to be a joke?

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    • 197.86.143.4 wrote:
      Edison, as everyone knows, is Thomas Edison.

      So not a reference to Maxwell Edison.

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    • NightmareofEden wrote:

      197.86.143.4 wrote: Edison, as everyone knows, is Thomas Edison.

      What in the world? Is this supposed to be a joke?

      Don't you remember ? 197 doesn't tend to give straight answers to anything .

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    • NightmareofEden wrote:

      ...First of all, you ARE a fake geek boy if you don't understand why Rassilon is CLEARLY bisexual...

      Rassilon is CLEARLY Time Lord sexual .

      Question : How many fake geek boys does it take to change a light bulb ?

      Answer : It takes 13 fake geek boys to change a light bulb .

      And if they're all careful no one (jo)dies .

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    • NightmareofEden wrote:

      2001:8003:2E59:1300:A411:26D3:174:B53A wrote:

      NightmareofEden wrote: Also I improved your story

      "Whaaa?"

      The Doctor sat straight up, ith a look of shock on his face. In fact, he was so shocked, he temporarily forgot the existence of the letter "W".

      "Professor? What is it?"

      "Oh, Ace! I just had a terrrrible drrrream!"

      "What happened?"

      Ace sat down, and listened as the Doctor spoke, having now regained his composure.

      "I regenerrrated. How many times I'm not sure. I was a Byrrronian adventurrrrrrrrrerrrrrrrrrrr, who was the totally not best Doctorrrrrr of all time (#subcrrrrribersgetmorrrreatbigfinishprrrrroductions) then Rrrrrrrichard E. Grrrrrant, who is total canon u guise. In a non-canon world, I was also a chav with a leather coat. A foppish and highly irrrrrrrritating young man. An older man. A woman, a..."

      "A woman, Professor? You? Wicked!"

      The Doctor stared at Ace in confusion.

      "Aren't you going to dismiss the idea as rrrrrrridiculous?" he frowned.

      Ace had difficulty not falling to the floor in hysterics.

      "Of course not, Professor! You should know me by now. I'm more open minded than that!"

      "And nothing made sense in this dream. I destroyed Gallifrey. Then it reappeared. I destroyed it again, but it kept coming back. Cybermen could fly. There were Black Kaleds. Sontarans had some irritating war cry. Tony Blair, Gordon Brown and Theresa-"

      Ace cut in: "Why shouldn't there be any black Kaleds?" she protested.

      "It's quite simple," retorted the Doctor casually "The Kaleds, like the Thals, are the perfect beings, and, as we all know, black people are inferrrrriorrrr"

      Ace was aghast. She had experienced this type of disgusting prejudice before. Her friend Manisha Purkayastha had had her house firebombed by a group of mindless, fascist, racist, Neo-Nazi thugs, and she would never stand for something as bigoted and mindless hateful as this. And she knew that the Professor never would either. Something was very wrong indeed.

      "Wow!" she cried "That sure does sound weird. Almost as weird as the time we and Hex a met a being from another dimension who was powered by words and-"

      "NON-CANON!" came a shriek from the Doctor's mouth. But it was not his voice. It was a harsh robotic cry that would even send the Daleks running off to change their casings. It was the cry of...

      "UNIT 197!" cried Ace in shock.

      Ace and the Doctor had encountered Unit 197 before. He was a very nasty being. A shape-shifting robot (no, not Kamelion) built by the Canonfreeks from the planet Cayptoun, 197 was hell-bent on trying to change the future into something that he wanted. The Doctor and Ace had recently stopped this mechanical menace from using a temporal retcon matrix to wipe out John Hurt from existence. Another time, he had tried to join forces with Faction Paradox to oppose the Time Lord's philosophy of rationality and stability, although the Doctor and Ace hadn't actually had to do anything this time, since Faction Paradox had told Unit 197 in no uncertain terms to Faction off.

      "AFFIRMATIVE!" said the horrible robotic abomination, shifting back into its usual form, a hulking obese DJ who is super obnoxious and every sane person wishes would just shut up already.

      "I knew it!" yelled Ace "I knew you were an imposter, you toerag, as soon as you said that Thals couldn't be black. I have experienced this kind of awful prejudice before. My friend Manisha Purkayastha once had her house firebombed by a group of racist Neo-Nazi thugs, and - Oh just read what the author said earlier. Anyway, my point is that I knew that referencing that adventure with Nobody No-One would make you give yourself away. You were always very concered with retconning that adventure.".

      "YOU MAY HAVE WORKED OUT WHO I AM," ranted Unit 197 "BUT YOU STILL CAN'T STOP ME FROM USING THIS TARDIS TO MAKE ONE, UNIFIED CANON, ERASING ALL CONTRADICTION FROM THE UNIVERSE!"

      "But you made most of the contradictions!" said Ace incredulously. "You couldn't decide which Ninth Incarnation you wanted to give the Professor while playing around with his timeline, so he ended up with two. Well, three, no FOUR, no... uh... hang on... Never mind that, he ended up with quite a few, but the point is that you can't just turn the Professor's future into a dream because you don't like. You may disagree with it, but it's his life, not yours, and you can't do anything about it."

      "SOON IT WILL BE MINE!" laughed Unit 197.

      "Oh no you-" began Ace, but was cut off as a beam shot out of one of 197's hand-clamps, firing Ace to the side. She span through the air, before slamming against the wall of the TARDIS. No, she went through it... ending up in the real TARDIS control room. Ace looked around at the cavernous, wooden, steampunk control room. She saw the beautiful console towering above her in its metal cage. How could she have forgotten this? And where was the real Professor? Then she saw him, pressed up against a wall, his face a mask of agony.

      "Professor!" she cried, running to him,

      "Ace..." smiled the Doctor weakly "I...knew you'd...come for me. Knew you'd never...be...fooled..by...that thing. I...would never...mock the prospect of being female. Also, I don't rrrol my "R"s THAT much. I mean, the robot even managed to roll the silent R in "adventurer", which is actually almost impres-"

      Suddenly, the Doctor let out a cry of pain and fell to his knees.

      "Professor" asked a worried Ace, "What's wrong?"

      "He's manipulating my timeline" croaked the Doctor through gritted teeth "I'm being...errased...from the canonical universe...there's only...one...hope.."

      "What is it, Professor?" asked Ace

      "You...were...only...erased...rrr..rrr..rrr...rrrecently...you...can still...prrroject yourself into his psyche....using...the telepathic circuits...then...you must...". But before he could finish, the Doctor faded away into nonexistence, and Ace knew that 197 had taken his place. She also knew that soon, this control room would be erased from existence, and her own mind would be altered to see 197 as the real Doctor. She had to put a stop to this, but how? The Professor had told her to project herself into his psyche and then... what? He hadn't finished his sentence. Ace racked her brains for the answer...

      Meanwhile, "the Doctor" was dancing around the control room for joy, laughing as he erased adventure after adventure from existence. Soon the whole world would correspond to the one outlined in the canon matrix (stored on a chip in his head...or was it his shoulder?), and there would be no sex change regenerations, no New Adventures, no Big Finish, no New Series, no contradictions, just one objective canon. Nobody would ever debate anything, all creativity would be stifled, the Expanded Universe would be boring and full of obscure comic books from the 1960s and spin-off novels from who cares because nobody reads them. It would be... perfect. It was then that he heard the voice.

      Well, perhaps "voice" was the wrong word for it. "Thought", he reflected, would be a better word. A thought that was distinctly not his own.

      Of course it's not your own, thought the voice in his head. It's mine. I'm Ace. And I'm here to put a stop to you!

      HOW, he thought (even his thoughts were in all-caps).

      The Deadly Assassin contradicts the War Games, thought the head-voice, but doesn't 'ruin' it.

      Unit 197 began to spark.

      STOP THIS, he thought.

      Big Finish, the thought went on, New Adventures, Paul McGann, John Hurt, Christopher Eccleston, David Tennant, Matt Smith, Bernice Summerfield, Charley Pollard.

      "NON-CANON! NON-CANON! NON-CANON!" shrieked 197 out loud. How could Ace even know about such things? He had already erased them, hadn't he?

      You can never truly erase the adventures, he thought with thinking, as long as they still exist in our hearts, the universe will find a way to make them happen, and make us happy.

      Unit 197 was not happy. How could Ace reference these adventures with such impunity? Oh well, once he had fully erased them and altered Ace's mind, these adventures would have never happened, despite the hippie crap about them 'existing in our hearts' Ace was giving. He switched on his temporal retcon matrix.

      "The Ancestor Cell" he said "Missy, Russell T. Davies, Steven Moffat"

      The temporal retcon matrix bleeped and blooped in response.

      "NO!" he cried in anguish "I DID NOT SAY THAT!"

      "No," he heard himself reply in a much softer voice "I did! Me! Dorothy McShane! Better known as Ace! Lover of Paul McGann! Seriously, the guy's a great Professor, and well hot. I'm bisexual, btw, and so is the Doctor."

      "PLEASE!" cried 197 in despair. "STOP THIS!"

      Then he heard himself say something horrifying. Something so horrifying that it made a funny thing happen to him. Nothing. The same thing that happens to you when you die. It was the end of his existence. The word that caused this, the last word Unit 197 ever heard, and in a way, the last word he ever said (or, in another way, he never canonically said any words) was, "Phillip Morris".


      Ace and the Doctor were in the TARDIS. The Doctor was charting a course for fun and adventure (or, depending on when this story is set, a path for angst and darkness. It doesn't really matter because this is just fanfiction and not to be taken too seriously).

      "Professor?" said Ace "Do you ever realise how bizarre and confused our adventures are?"

      "I do indeed, Ace." said the Doctor "Why bring it up now?"

      "I don't know" replied Ace truthfully "Just something nagging at my mind"

      "That's funny", said the Doctor "it's been rather nagging at mine as well. But what would be the fun if everything made sense? If there were one unified canon, there'd be no fanfiction. We're all stories, in the end."

      "But didn't it ever used to bother you?" asked Ace "Your age going randomly up and down, the setting of the UNIT stories constantly changing, the Master being or perhaps not being the Monk and/or the War Chief?"

      The Doctor smiled. He had indeed used to believe this, but soon grew out of it. He remembered his grumpy first incarnation saying "You can't rewrite history! Not one line!" But he had since discovered that time could be rewritten and thus many conflicting events could be true at once.

      "Yes, Ace, but I feel a lot better now. Knowing what is real, and what was just a nightmare. All our adventures are real. 'Canon' and 'retcons' are just nightmares. People keep trying to erase my future incarnations but they never, ever will. Especially not my eighth incarnation, who is the best Doctor of all time. Well, apart from me of course, but, I don't count myself because I would obviously say I'm best because I am of course biased.".

      "OK, Professor, this is getting a bit too meta for me." said Ace "my head's starting to hurt."

      "Never mind, Ace. I'm up now. Where would you like the TARDIS to go?"

      Ace walked to the console room excitedly. The Doctor walked a few steps behind, clearing his head from the fog that still hadn't fully lifted. Flashes went through his of strange adventures. He saw Ace dying in his arms, himself dying in from of her, looms, it all seemed so real. And, in a way, it was all real. Slitheen and Judoon and Hex and the Time War and Archaeologists and, did he look like Caligula?! All of it equally real. He shook his head, and walked into the gargantuan HG Wells-style control room.

      Placing the starw ("starw" was a Gallifrey material vaguely similar to Earth straw) hat on his head, he stepped up to the console. At the back of his mind, he seemed to remember somebody trying to take over his life and mess with his timeline, but that was over now. Ace was right. THIS was real, THIS was who he (or, perhaps one day, in just one of many possible realities, she) was, the Doctor.

      There was a wheezing, groaning sound, and the TARDIS was off of to new adventures...

      I honestly thought short stories couldn't get this good but hello again I've been pleasantly surprised .

      If I could I would give this short story 20018003 Kudos and 20018003 Gold Stars .
      

      Thanks! Appreciate it!

      Upgrade in progress

      1000000000000 Kudos for this masterpiece .

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    • A FANDOM user
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